By Its Cover: Crash The Chatterbox

Immediately, we are greeted with the phrase New York Times Best-Selling Author which is, frankly, an odd title for a book. As if this weren’t enough of a turn off, the unknown author, Steven Furtick, presents his name just below the title, in a font five times as large. Anyone can see from his shameless display that he’s a total egomaniac, but his arrogance is baseless. It’s not as though he was a Best-Selling author. A man so bold as to highlight his name over the name of the book he’s written is likely undeserving of anyones time.

crash-tcb

As if to provide contrast to his haughty display, the next few words look as though they were scribbled on by Mr. Furtick’s child, showing us that, no matter how great he thinks himself, he has no control over his life or children. What’s more, this phrase that his child has scrawled over his book is Crash The Chatterbox, which, thanks to a recent Q&A by Steven himself (on a low quality book review blog), we know as his child’s self-created cartoon character (picture provided below). Come on, Steve. Get ahold of your life.

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But thus far, I’ve only discussed the cover page. Delving into the meat of the book, the reader is greeted with far more issues. As we can guess from the title, this is the story of a New York Times best-belling author. The story picks up after he’s come to fame, making it clear this is no tale of a man’s climb to success. In fact, this isn’t the story of a man at all. Nor is it the story of a woman. No, Mr. Stevie Wonder has given us a look into the life of a genderless pair of dentures. While this is an interesting enough concept, Sampson Furcoat doesn’t even bother explaining how these dentures came to sentience, how they write, how they became a success, nor does he tell us anything of the authoring world and the challenges it holds for false teeth. Instead, we get a story akin to BoJack Horseman – a look into the life of a dissatisfied star and his search for meaning. This ‘search’ is primarily for God’s voice – which Sambo Furniture is arrogant enough to believe he can accurately emulate. As you may have already guessed, the narrator is God, and his voice is present throughout the denture’s journey. Insert cliché number 28 – you’re never alone, even when you are.

It’s all bogus, from front to back. The characters are shallow and hard to like, and they have no redeeming characteristics. In fact, the only interesting thing in the whole book is that the main character is disabled as it was born with a large chip on one of its upper front teeth. However, this disability isn’t explored, and instead all we get is a self-righteous attempt at marrying dentistry and spirituality – something mankind out to have given up on after the disaster that was Timmy the Tooth Considers Catholicism.

Don’t waste your time on this disaster of a book. Stovetop Funnel-cake’s, New York Times Best-Selling Author (sub titled: Crash The Chatterbox) receives a 7 out of 10 rating for its bizarre premise mixed with its unimaginative and shallow plot. Avoid it at all costs.

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